I was never going to dress you, breastfeed you, push you in the pram we got you, take you to see the ducks, take you on our first family holiday that we were planning, take you swimming, pick you up from school, take you out every year for your birthday. We had plans for you baby boy. Plans that were never going to be. But in my head I got to live out the fantasy of what could be, in my daydreams you lived a whole lifetime.
“You have no idea how much you’ll love them until you see them” – it’s true. Even before you meet them you love them but its not the same. It’s not as overwhelming and all-consuming.
I wasn’t ready to be a mum, I was only 21 weeks, I thought I had 19 more to build up to it, but it turns out I was so ready to love him. I wasn’t ready but I became ready the moment he was there – ready to hold him, feed him, dress him, raise him.. all the things I now couldn’t do, would never do, yet ached to do. So I did all I could do instead. I stroked his tiny cheek, fussed with the blanket he was wrapped (swamped) in, read him stories, took as many pictures as possible, and planned all the ways we could keep his memory alive.
My life changed drastically when I suddenly became the mother of an angel baby. And now I want to share his story.
Castiel Spearink-Jones was born sleeping on Thursday 6th September at 11.55pm, weighing 9oz. We found out 2 days before at our 21 week scan that his heart had stopped beating and I’d been carrying his lifeless little body for around a week. We’d heard his heartbeat at our last midwife appointment just 3 weeks before, and our 12 week scan had shown a perfectly healthy developing baby. After a previous miscarriage at 9 weeks at the start of this year, it broke our hearts. I was so numb and lost and sick for the two days between finding out and giving birth, convinced the day I delivered him would be the worst, but it was one of the best days of my life. He brought us so much joy and I’m so proud to be his mummy. I want to share my baby with the world the same as everyone else. He is beautiful and I love him so very much.