Four

Little boy, no matter how many children we go on to have they will never replace you, never bring you back, and never be you. Another baby doesn’t overwrite you or the time we had together or the love that we felt for you. A rainbow doesn’t lessen the storm. You were our perfect storm. We’ll never forget you. Having another child cannot “fix us” because you will always be missing. You will always be part of our family. We’re a 4, not a 3. Wherever I go, you go x

A Rainbow from Castiel

I haven’t wrote to you here in a long time. So I should probably mention your sibling, our third pregnancy, which we’re 17 weeks pregnant with today. Little Spearink-Jones “SJ” came as a complete shock to us a week into the new year, just before your due date. We hadn’t started trying again, and have no idea how we conceived so easily this time after all the previous trouble trying. It meant I was pregnant 3 times with 3 babies in the space of a year, and 7 weeks pregnant on your due date, it all felt wrong and I was scared we’d lose SJ too. People always try to comfort themselves/others by saying “what are the odds of it happening again?” but the truth is: the odds remain the same.
We’ve had more appointments with SJ, to ease my mind, as I’m still low-risk with a healthy baby. Oh how I wish we’d had this many with you. I truly believe we wouldn’t have intercepted or prevented your death, I just wish we’d seen you more before we never got to see you again. We’ve seen SJ wiggling around, hiding their face, being a little pickle at every scan, and heard their heartbeat so many times, and hopefully many many more times. SJ looks like you, the similarity made my cry at our 13 week scan.
We’ve slowly started to let ourselves get excited. We found out the gender yesterday and have planned a mini gender reveal party this weekend, and started shopping for gendered items. Both things we were really looking forward to with you, but never got to do.
I know you’re always with us. Please keep looking after your little sibling x