I found out at my scan at 13 weeks that I had an anterior placenta. I thought ‘bit of a bummer, means I won’t feel the baby as soon or as strongly’…
Little did I know then how much I needed to. Only now do I feel robbed. I thought I felt him moving when I later found out he was already dead at that point. And it’s made me question how much of his movements were actually him. I felt a fluttering for the first time on my birthday at 17 weeks. I thought I felt him roughly ever other day at night when I laid down. But now who knows, it could have just been my body doing its thing the whole time.

I miss my bump. I’ve never liked my body really, particularly my middle, and always wore baggy clothes to hide it. I didn’t want to hide my bump though, I wanted everyone to see it. I’ve never been happier with my body than when I was pregnant. Knowing what changes it was making and why. I’m still quite proud of it, it nourished and developed my son for 20 weeks, and still kept trying even after his heart stopped, it didn’t give up.

One week apart. Back to my pre-pregnancy squish.

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We took a walk today to the last place we went with Cass still in my tummy, on the Monday when everything was still normal, the day before our world came down. As I was walking, holding Davy’s hand, my other suddenly felt really empty, thinking that it would never be held by his tiny fingers on walks like this. Naturally I lasted about 0.5 seconds before the tears came. Just as I started crying a little white butterfly flew right up to us and danced around our legs for a second, as if to say ‘it’s okay, I’m with you’. Please never stop sending me little signs Cass.

My life changed drastically when I suddenly became the mother of an angel baby. And now I want to share his story.
Castiel Spearink-Jones was born sleeping on Thursday 6th September at 11.55pm, weighing 9oz. We found out 2 days before at our 21 week scan that his heart had stopped beating and I’d been carrying his lifeless little body for around a week. We’d heard his heartbeat at our last midwife appointment just 3 weeks before, and our 12 week scan had shown a perfectly healthy developing baby. After a previous miscarriage at 9 weeks at the start of this year, it broke our hearts. I was so numb and lost and sick for the two days between finding out and giving birth, convinced the day I delivered him would be the worst, but it was one of the best days of my life. He brought us so much joy and I’m so proud to be his mummy. I want to share my baby with the world the same as everyone else. He is beautiful and I love him so very much.

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