I found out at my scan at 13 weeks that I had an anterior placenta. I thought ‘bit of a bummer, means I won’t feel the baby as soon or as strongly’…
Little did I know then how much I needed to. Only now do I feel robbed. I thought I felt him moving when I later found out he was already dead at that point. And it’s made me question how much of his movements were actually him. I felt a fluttering for the first time on my birthday at 17 weeks. I thought I felt him roughly ever other day at night when I laid down. But now who knows, it could have just been my body doing its thing the whole time.

I miss my bump. I’ve never liked my body really, particularly my middle, and always wore baggy clothes to hide it. I didn’t want to hide my bump though, I wanted everyone to see it. I’ve never been happier with my body than when I was pregnant. Knowing what changes it was making and why. I’m still quite proud of it, it nourished and developed my son for 20 weeks, and still kept trying even after his heart stopped, it didn’t give up.

One week apart. Back to my pre-pregnancy squish.

Our favourite third wheel

As much as I wished everything could have been different I’ve always believed in fate, strangely even more so now. I feel like this is how it was meant to be for me. They say you are only given what you can handle, and I honestly think that’s rubbish, I wouldn’t say I’m a strong, capable person at all, but this is my weight to carry around now, and I think I’m okay with that. If it was between this hell and never having him exist at all, I’d easily take this. And I’m sure Cass would agree, I’m sure he’d choose the brief life he had.

– He was a tiny little bean just a couple of weeks when we went to Turkey & Greece
– He went to Paris and the beach
– He met both my cats when they stepped on my tummy
– He heard daddy singing, a lot
– He went to Bat out of Hell the musical
– We went swimming once, I’m sure he liked that
– He was bounced around whenever I’d have a giggle fit
– He was there for my 24th birthday, and mummy & daddys first wedding anniversary

It was the three of us for all these things.

Cass’ Closet

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It hurts my heart a bit to see the clothes we bought for him. We bought a mix of sizes from newborn-6 months, and everything is fairly gender-neutral as we didn’t get to find out he was a boy until he died. The weekend just gone we had planned a day out to buy more baby clothes.
As we will be trying for another baby in the future we’ve decided to keep all his things. I know I’ll change my mind when the time comes, but it makes me feel uneasy to imagine another little person in Cass’ clothes and pram etc as they weren’t intended for anyone else, they’re his, he just never got to use them.
I’ll just have to think of them as hand-me-downs, a gift from their big brother.